I’m a superhero in disguise. Not the kind you normally think of though. No. My skills go beyond that. Way beyond. I can make birds poop on the heads of people I don’t like. I have the ability to break things without even trying. I do it often. I can do backwards summersaults… in the water. I dominate at mini-golf, yet somehow I still end up losing (all bets are off). I have the unique ability to say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Classic. I can make grown men cry, sometimes without even kicking that hard. I have the amazing ability to puke silently when wasted; it comes in handy when trying not to get kicked out of the bar. I play one mean game of kickball, probably b/c I’m practically the only player who doesn’t drink during the game. I’m not half as fun as I used to be, but I’m twice as witty. I have a lot of other amazing skills, but I wouldn’t want to make you feel bad by listing them all. Modest, too? Imagine that.
