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My boss is out and, being the awesome person that I am, I’ve finished all the shiznit of the week. So, I’ve been perusing the archives of my ‘other’ blog and decided that this one was too good to let it disappear into oblivion. It’s from the good ol’ days at UofI. Cheers!
2002-04-25 – 10:18 a.m.
Welcome! You’re on the gameshow network. I’m the announcer and host, Ricky Dick. Up next is the exciting new program, “Vacation Paradise!” where contestants can win fun-filled trips to places such as England, Hawaii, and even the exotic, Chambana. Let’s take a peek at our show.
The first contestant on today’s show is Liz! Liz hails from the preppy cesspool of Rochester and enjoys mini-golf, eating leftovers, and flashing strangers when she’s drunk. Alright, Liz! Let’s get started.
The rules for today’s game for Liz are as follows: 1) You can’t win, so don’t even try. 2) If you do try, you’ll only be even more disappointed in the end – but don’t worry, the audience will get a kick out of it. 3) Always put on a happy face or else you’ll disqualify yourself and lose all chances of even a consolation gift.
Alrighty! Let’s get this show on the road! Liz, we’re going to ask you a series of questions. Your job is to answer them and then we’ll tell you if you answered correctly.
Rick: So, Liz, tell us the equilibrium value for hydroflouric acid.
Liz: Ummm…that would be Ka=7.2*10^-4, Dick.
Dick: Oh, I’m sorry, Liz! Your answer is correct, but we require that you give us at least 3 significant figures. Too bad! On to the next question. What is the meaning of life?
Liz: To have fun and live in the moment, of course. At least, that’s what I would hope it would be.
Dicky: Gosh, wrong again! The meaning of life is to trudge along and work, work, work. Otherwise, you’ll never amount to anything in life. But wait, after your last chem test, you won’t be doing much of anything productive now anyway will you?
Liz: I guess not
Ricky: Yes, Yes, that is the correct answer! She got one ladies and gents! (applause)
Liz: I didn’t know that was one of my questions…
Ricky Dicky: Well, it was Liz – and for answering correctly, we’re going to send you on a ‘Vacation Paradise!”
Liz: Oh, really! Oh my God! Where do I get to go!?
Dick: Well, Liz – where would you like to go?
Liz: Ummm…I’d be happy with just about anything. Spain would be nice. But I don’t have to go to a foreign country. Hawaii would do nicely. How about Florida?
Dick: I’m sorry. Liz! Were you actually trying to sound excited or did you think we were going to give you a good vacation? Don’t answer that. Anyway, we’re sending you on a 1 night, 1.5 day trip to St. Louis! You’ll get to carpool, share a bed with 3 other people, and – best of all – skip out on your very last class of the year!
Liz: Hey, wait a minute – I actually like that class.
Rick Dicky: Take it or leave it?
Liz: I’ll take it…I guess.
Ricky: Wonderful! Let’s continue on with our next contestant, Caty. Caty is from the exotic college-town of Chambana. Caty, what’s it like to be a townie?
Caty: Well, Dickmeister – I think it’s really great!
Rick: Yes! That is the answer we were looking for! You’ve won the grand prize – it’s an all expenses paid trip to France with your father! (applause)
Caty: Woooooohoooo!!!!
Dick: And for the rest of the audience, we have a consolation gift. You all get the wonderful opportunity to finish your papers, cram for finals, and – as always – drink till ya can’t drink no more!
Audience: oh…woo (murmers) hoo. |
