Dating at its finest, part deux June 16, 2007

 

“I’m no longer afraid that men will kill me. I am just scared that they will bore me.”

I stole that from one of the many other blogs I frequent. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Although, I find it difficult to be cynical about dating lately b/c I’ve just started seeing someone who I find myself liking more and more each and every time. Current situation aside, I feel a special blogpost is in order. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present you with “Dating at its Finest,” part deux (Part I available in archives if you feel like searching)

* Disclaimer – No dates, no names. These are not in order. If it’s you, I do apologize. Rest assured, it’s nothing personal. If it were, I wouldn’t be blogging about it.

1) Yes, I’m new here. You? Not so much, huh? That’s okay. I moved here for work. You work on the Hill. Maybe after you’re done with the all of the name-dropping you can try to impress me more with you liberal stance on budget reform. Then later, after all of the cliche politico-speak, you can buy me my very own blue dress and we’ll play House; I’ll be the intern. You try to come off as a straight down the middle everyman, but really I can see that your motivations are as crooked as your skinny little dick. (woops… did I say that? tsk tsk… )

2) I met you online. No, I’m not afraid to admit it. You were funny on instant messenger, but in real life you’re barely more intriguing than my friend’s cat, Muffy. I don’t like cats. Your outfit suggests that your mother still buys your clothes. The subject turns to fashion. You admit that yes, your mother did indeed buy that lovely plaid shirt. Somehow, I sustain enough will power to remain in my seat and not leave right this instant. You were one of the kids who was still suckling at 4, weren’t you? Flashback. Oh, God. I’m on a date with the guy my brother will turn into 10 years from now. Where’s Marty McFly? I’ve got to stop this before it happens.

3) You’re good-looking. I’m good-looking. We make a good-looking couple. I like you. We’ve been going out for awhile now. You have an off-beat sense of humor, but you’re a bigger nerd than I am and I find that oddly sexy. It took some time for you to invite me back to your place. I can see why. Yes, we’ve both seen the movie. Now, I’m wondering why you still have all those action figures on display in your living room. The fact that you used to play DDR says it all. I shouldn’t have been surprised that I was the one to deflower you. A first for me, btw, but something to add to my growing list of accomplishments. What did surprise me though, was the fact that you were one of the best. Bravo. But, some things just aren’t meant to be. I can’t stand the cat pee smell that invades your apartment or the fact that I’m always grasping at straws for something to talk to you about. You not only seem uncomfortable in your own skin, you make me uncomfortable too. This just isn’t working for me. But we can still get it on, right?

4) You are a sad, sad man. You only call me when you’re drunk. I’ve only seen you once sober and it was not not all sunshine and sparkles. I like you better when you’re drinking. At least then your self-depricating humor comes off as somewhat funny… though not by much. You like to brag about your job, but you hold one of the most reviled positions out there. You’re not special just because you get to carry a firearm. No, I don’t want to see what you’re packing tonight. I’m hanging up now, goodbye.

5) I thought I could do it. I thought that since I used to be fat that I could get over the fact that your hulking mass of flab causes the table to shift slightly in my direction at dinner. I was wrong. The way you leer at me makes me puke a little in my mouth. You’re a nice guy. I’m a nice girl. I don’t want to be mean, so I agree to go out with you again. Big mistake. And I mean big in every sense of the word. I don’t think I could ever be attracted to someone who eats more in one meal than I eat in an entire day. I do appreciate the attention, yes. You do have a nice car too. But, honestly, you should have just gotten a Ford and spent the extra on gastric bypass. I’m a horribly superficial person, but at least I can enjoy my leftovers without having to worry that you’ll steal them when I’m not looking.

6) You are hot – by far the most gorgeous man that I’ve ever gone out with. I don’t give out my number to guys at bars anymore, but you were the exception. I was amazed that you called. It doesn’t even matter that you got the wrong name. You can call me whatever you want. As I sit here staring into your dreamy blue eyes I begin to imagine how beautiful our child would be. The kid would be so sexy that he and Branjelina’s child would be inevitably drawn to each other and they’d mate to create a new race of superhuman beauty. What was that you were saying? You’re bi? Sonofabitch. I knew it had to be something. Well… I can’t get with a guy who digs guys. The last place his mouth may have been is another man’s ass. I don’t care how gorgeous you are; that image is definitely not kosher. Swing and miss.

This blog is dedicated to all my single lady-friends. It’s a rough time trying to sift through the drab and drivel, I know. Every once in awhile, you’ll find someone to make it worth it. Keep on truckin’.

Back on the market June 16, 2007

Saturday, January 06, 2007

So, despite a momentary setback, today actually turned out to be an awesome day. Here’s the scoop, since I know you’ve all been biting your nails in suspense. Scott and I decided to call it quits. Surprise, surprise, huh? In the end, it’s for the best and it was, by far, the best break-up I’ve ever had. In fact, there was no crying (not even post-goodbye), no hurt feelings, nothing bad about anyone was said, and I don’t feel like there’s anything I would have rather done differently. For once, I don’t feel like a tool, which is one of the reasons that I’m blogging about it.  Of course, I kinda felt bad since I had the whole day and no one to do anything with, so I called up one of my pals from work and she invited me to come over and hang out for awhile. She, I, and her fiancee, Bob (who is one of my good friends from kickball) ended up going over to Eastern Market. It was the first time that I’d ever been there and it was soooo cool! I bought a ceramic display thingy and a really nice necklace. If I’d had more money and a larger purse, I probably would’ve ended up getting a lot more. Retail therapy does wonders, believe me. We walked around the strip for a bit afterwards. Later, after some metro adventures, we decided to grab a bite back at Ballston. We ended up at Ted’s, a cool place that serves bison burgers. The kitchen lost our ticket, so out meal ended up being free! When it finally arrived, it was good – really good. And the waiter was excellent, despite the lack of food. I really like that place – and not just because of the free meal. We ended up back at Bob and Gera’s and watched a flick and then I came back to the good ol’ (and roomie-free) apt.   So, yeah. When I woke up this morning I seriously thought that it was going to suck (since this had been in the making for awhile now), but it turned out to be a great day. So, don’t worry about it. I”m fine. Thanks for the concern. Oh, and since I’m back on the market, please don’t try to hook me up with your single guy-friends (unless they’re really cute, that is). Peace out, my people.

Don’t feel bad…I’m laughing too June 16, 2007

Saturday, October 07, 2006

I know it’s been awhile since my last post, folks. Sorry. I usually save this kind of thing for work. Lately, though, I’ve actually had a lot of work to do at work. Go figure. But, rest assured. I would never disappoint my loyal fanbase – all 5 of you. Ha. So, sit down and feel free to point and laugh the next time you see me. This one’s a doozy. I think I mentioned in my last post that I was going to attempt the speed dating thing. One of my friends told me about it and, after careful consultation with some of my peeps (one of whom laughed and said, “Only you, Liz. Only you.” ), I decided to give it a shot. If nothing else, it makes for good blogging fodder. So I singed up for this thing. It was held last Tuesday at the Front Page, which – coincidentally – happens to be right in the same building as my office. This convenience was one of the main selling points. However, what I failed to realize was that the very night that this thing was supposed to be going on was the same night that the NSF was hosting its monthly lecture, Cafe Scientifique. This thing is a public lecture held at the Front Page every first Tuesday of the month; most who attend are actually NSF faculty. So, while I’m sitting inside working my magic on the men – right next to the big event sign, no less – a bunch of my coworkers are sitting, watching me through the window during the lecture as they conspicuously try not to point and laugh. About halfway through, a couple of them came in to wave and smirk. Lovely. Regardless, it was still a good experience. Not one that I think I’ll ever be repeating, but an interesting night nonetheless. The group of chicks there were all pretty cool and well put-together. The guys though were a different story altogether. It was pretty obvious why some of them had to resort to speed dating to meet women. I heard one of the lamest answers to my “what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done” question. The guy was all like, “Well… I’m not much of a crazy person but I once ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the jelly.” So I’m sitting there thinking… ummm… yeah… so this dude just ate a peanut butter sandwich. It took me a minute to realize he was trying to be funny. As my old roomie and good friend, Chris, would say, “Unfunny joke. No, really. Stop. It’s not funny.” I didn’t say it, but I sure as hell was thinking it. I didn’t want to be mean though. It was already sad enough of an attempt without rubbing salt in the wound. Anyway, so the evening ended without meeting anyone of significance. I honestly cannot see myself going out with any of the guys I met that night. Definitely an experience for the future best-selling autobiography. Since we’re on the subject of meeting men… I heard one of the best bad pickup lines ever not too long ago. Actually, it may just have moved up to being a good pickup line since it’s a spinoff of one I’ve heard before. Here goes: So I’m sitting at a bar-like area with some pals and my back is turned to this dude. I turn around slightly to get another drink and while I’m waiting for the bartender’s attention, the guy asks, “Why do you hate me?” Now, normally, an unsuspecting chick would then say, “What? I don’t hate you. Why would you say that?” And then the guy would go, “Because you’ve been ignoring me all this time when all I wanted to do was talk to you and maybe buy you a drink.” Well, that’s how it went the first time a heard it back in the day, and it actually worked alright.  This time though I just wasn’t in the mood and so I replied, “Oh, it’s not me that hates you. It’s my friend here. She thinks guys who wear pink shirts are pricks.” He didn’t quite know how to respond, so it kind of nulled the attempt. I must admit though, the whole pink shirt thing… a little overdone. Oh… and speaking of things that just are not a good idea. Molester Mike has convinced me to hang out with him outside of the kickball gang. He’s actually a really cool guy when he’s sober, but his antics from the last time I saw him (which I blogged about not too long ago) kinda skeeved me out. It’ll be interesting to see how he is away from the team. I think he’s coming to this comedy show thing on Wednesday with me. My friend Emily said she might go, so it’ll be a good thing to have someone there to get my back if things don’t go so smoothly. Fun times. Anyway… that’s it for the evening. My mother’s in town this weekend, so rest assured there will be plenty more coming along shortly. I’ve been trying really hard to be pleasant with her, but she makes it so damned difficult sometimes. Makes me wanna smack a bitch. That’s all I’m going to say for now. More to come, folks. Til then, peace out. And don’t forget to make your donations to the Liz Lawrence Fund for Excellence. The fiscal year has ended, but your donation is tax deductible if made before Dec 31. I;m not kidding on this one. I will totally take your money if you want to give me some. Cool Liz can’t be so cool if she doesn’t have the cash.  Anyways, peace out, my peeps.

Appeasing the masses June 16, 2007

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I have way too much work to do. A quick tidbit to appease the masses since I know I haven’t had time (and probably won’t for awhile) to do a proper post. So my friend, Jonathon, told me about this HurryDate thing. I’m thinking, ‘Why would I pay money to talk to guys who obviously have some kind of social ineptitude that they have to meet women at things like that?’ Needless to say, I signed up. It’s next Tuesday. Not that I’m socially inept. Quite the opposite. It’s just that I’m tired of only meeting guys at bars. That never works out. Well… except for that 3 year thing, but that was a fluke. I’d much rather meet someone who is: a) funny when they’re sober, b) not trying to molest me, c) will pay for more than just an overpriced drink, and d) is desperate enough to do something like HurryDate to meet a decent chick (like me). Plus, it’ll be a chance to meet people outside of the ’circle of protection.’ You know what I’m talking about – when you go out with your friends and they mess up your game by either being too loud and obnoxious themselves or keeping you from being too loud and obnoxious to have a good time. Outside of the circle, I think things might go better. And, no. I’m not a loser. I’m just tired of being single. It happens.

Dating at its finest, part one June 16, 2007

Friday, September 01, 2006

In a valiant effort to lighten the mood around here, I’ve decided to waste some time and give you all another Pulitzer-worthy post. This stuff is golden, folks – worth well more than the ~$20/hr I get paid to sit at my desk. Actually, since it’s the Friday before the Labor Day weekend and all but 4 people from my office are gone, it’s all I can do to keep from succumbing to the ever-growing urge to get up and leave. Hey, we all have to do our part; I’m saving the world one blogpost at a time. So… in the style of one of my buddies, I present you with ”dating at it’s finest: a compilation of true (and truly) horrible experiences.”  1. (Spring, ‘02) Dude. You are surprisingly hot. And you’re interested in me? Better yet. From Indiana, you say? How exotic. No, I’ve never been, but Illinois isn’t much better, I’m sure. Okay, that was a joke; Illinois is far better than Indiana. You’d like to buy me a drink? Sure, why not? Why, yes I do think that it’s a travesty that you can no longer afford to buy Calvin Klein because you just bought that third sportscar. After hours of blithering about your accomplishments and trying to impress me, you want to know if I’m single? Why, yes. Yes, I am. Hey, is that your tongue in my mouth? Yep, it sure is. You’re a not such a great kisser. And, judging from your awkward groping, you’re not so great at other things either. No, sorry. I don’t want to go home with you. I think I feel my cell phone vibrating, excuse me. No really, I know that I just had a Mento and they are deliciously minty. But really, I’m happy to give you your own while I quietly escape to the other side of club. 2. (Spring, ‘06)  Wow. What ingenuity you must have to be able to make your picture look so much less hideous than you actually are. Yeah, sure. I’ll still go out. Never one to turn down a free meal. On second thought, we should never have done the dinner thing because now I have to watch you shovel that never-ending bowl of pasta into your homunculous face. Maybe you’re trying to feed the critters that I fear must reside in your beard, because you don’t seem to mind all the food that keeps falling in it. Jesus Christ. Should I see if I can find a hose? Yes, the little folder that the guy just dropped on our table does contain the bill. Finally, this torturous evening can come to an end. Pay up so I can leave and never talk to you again. 3. (Fall, ‘05) I’m okay. You’re okay. The city is okay. I like the weather, too. Cats are dumb. No, not really into sports too much. That movie kinda sucked. But I’ve seen worse. Yeah, we can go for coffee. No, I don’t really drink coffee, but it’s ok. No, the mediocrity of your life does not compare to the mediocrity of this date. No, I don’t need a ride home. I can just walk. Why don’t we just stroll out into traffic together. Alive, dead. What’s the difference, really? 4. (Fall, ‘01)  We are obviously attracted to each other. You are a bit of a loser, but I can live with that. Your hairy ass reminds me of a circus ape. Again, I can live with that, for now. You often tell jokes that aren’t funny and I’m not sure I can live with it, but I’m doing my best. You didn’t need to tell me about your lack of experience. I can tell. Hey, right on, we are fooling around in my dorm. I am really horny. Oh my god, you want to do what? No. That is not okay. Dude, no. That’s not cool either. I think you need to leave. The moment’s been lost. Seriously, I’m getting bored. You can just go back to your X-box and I’ll try not to be awkward the next time I see you in the dining hall. 5. (Spring, ‘06) You’re cute in a Freddie Prince Jr., down syndromey kind of way. This bar is really loud so I miss a lot of what you say but it doesn’t seem to effect our lopsided conversation one bit. Yeah, my friend thinks we look cute together. I’m wondering if it’s because she’s already found someone to go home with and she wants to relinquish her wingman duties. At about 2:00 you ask, “Wanna get outta here?” I reply with, “I have to go home. Alone.” The look on your face is almost sad enough to make me reconsider. Almost. 6. (Summer, ‘06) By now I’ve seen enough. You seem nice enough and I do find you attractive, but I’m really just waiting to find out exactly why you and I will never stand on common ground and share a moment where the world makes sense from the perspective of being wrapped in each other’s arms. I don’t put much effort into getting ready for you. I don’t even shave my legs. I actually put on body spray that I don’t even like, and I struggle with the psychological implications of this as I force myself out the door. You remind me of my ex too much, and not in a good way.  I would pretend to be interested in you, but your ADD has disrupted both yours and my own attention span. You should probably find someone to talk to about your issues, and I don’t mean me. 7. (Fall, ‘01) Now I’m really fucked up. My first semester at college and I can’t hold my liquor. Wait, let me suck on a few tic-tacs before we make out. No, the taste of dick is not the same as a tic-tac. Sorry, dude – it’s not gonna go down like that. What’s that? Ha – there’s a glowstick in my cleavage. How did that get there? What did you say? You’re gay so it’s ok if we make out b/c that’s as far as it will go. No way. The last place a gay man’s mouth has been is probably rimming some other guy’s ass. Wait. You’re not gay then. I’m confused. Go get me another drink and we’ll talk about it.    8. I’m so glad the problem is you and not me. Granted, these are the worst. There have been a few great ones, that don’t need to be joked about. Also, I’ve left out a big chunk of time, you may have noticed. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you tend not to date – at least I don’t. Also, believe it or not – these are not about you.