Irony is Alanis Morrissette singing “My Humps” June 16, 2007

Not much can surpass the past couple of posts, but I’m stuck in Illinois for the next week and, surprise surprise, I’m more than just a little bored at the moment. It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. Don’t get me wrong. It’s great to have a break and see family and friends, but the downtime is miserable. In leiu of having anything significant to post, I’ll leave you with this thought…

If you ask your mother what she wants for mother’s day (which was today, btw) and she says nothing, why does she get pissed when you don’t get her anything? I flew 800 miles – shouldn’t that be enough? Just a thought.

highlights from the homeland June 16, 2007

After a long absence of an entire five months, I decided to grace the midwest with my presence yet once again. Like the appearance of a chocolate cake at a diabetic clinic, my trip back home was sweet, but over before it really got a chance to be savored. As promised… a few highlights of my eventful return to the homeland.

-I had some serious airport karma going on with my friend, Emily Rose. We both ended up on flights out of the same terminal in the same airport. AND… both of our flights were delayed to the same time. It was great to be able to pass the time with someone as awesome as myself. The return trip wasn’t so lucky, but at least I was able to go down the list on my phone and catch up on all the holiday gossip.

- My mother refrained from uttering her signature holiday catchphrase. For as long as I can remember, at some point or another she has declared, “Merry F-ing Christmas!” This year, as I waited for the shit to hit the fan, the air was unexpectedly clear with only a slight tinge of bickering. It was a merry x-mas indeed.

- I’ll be the first to admit that I’m materialistic. I’m also a bit of a braggart. But instead of listing all the wonderful things I received for Christmas this year, I’ll just say that I got everything I asked for and then some. On top of the xmas day bounty, my folks each took me out shopping for some post-holiday sales. If Illinois is good for anything, it’s defintiely gotta be the inexpensive yet aluringly wonderful apparel and accessories. Look for some new digs to go with my new do.

-Speaking of a new do, I did indeed make a change. You can check out the new pic, if you like. Shorter and lighter.

- I learned how to play poker a little better under the tutelage of  my uncles on Christmas Eve. I can definitely put the new skills to good use. Although, I expect I’ll be betting something more than poker chips if I end up playing around here.

- As I mentioned, I raked it in this holiday. However, the only thing my brother gave me was what he liked to refer to as Christmas pinches. They’re exactly what they sound like. Ouch.

-Met up with a few peeps from the old crew in Chambana on a quick jaunt one day. Though nothing’s really changed there, everything’s different… in a good way. I purposefully avoided a few people/places, but overall it was a wonderfully nostalgic trip back. And, yes. For those of you wondering, there are still a lot of hoes frequenting White-Ho, and Green Street only continues to get better.

- I spent a few days in St. Louis towards the end of the trip. There’s nothing like ice skating in Forest Park during the holidays. It felt like something out of a movie. Me in my new red coat and green scarf, gliding to the sounds of caroling over the sound system. It reaffirmed my love for that city. I also met up with some people from high school while in the city. Good times. Good times, indeed.

So… to wrap it up. It was wonderful to return home and be greeted with such warmth and rejoice. At the same time, the highlights are pretty much what I did when I wasn’t sitting around bored out of my mind in front of the tv. There’s only so much Jerry Springer and Price is Right you can watch without wanting to hurl the remote through the screen and get your lazy ass off the couch. It was somewhat depressing to realize that life used to be like that… for way too long. Makes me all the more grateful now of where I’m out now.  I hope everyone else had a great vacation!

Pasties, not just fro strippers anymore June 16, 2007

Monday, December 18, 2006

How dumb is this? I’m taking a break from ‘helping’ my brother with his paper to blog about it. Sure, I could be doing other things with my time than writing a high-school paper, but I’m not b/c a) I’m a good sister, b) my degree is in both biology and english, so I can definitely write a decent science paper, c) it’s actually an interesting topic and I feel the need to flex my mental abilities on something other than Sudoku, d) It’s almost xmas and I’m feeling generous, and e) he said he’d pay me (though I don’t really expect it). So yeah. Fun times. And please don’t lecture me on the moral implications of this. We all have had certain instances of ethical ineptitude and this is a drop in the bucket compared to some things that some of my comrades have done for friends/family. I’m just glad he finally asked me to help out with something, since I feel like I don’t really get a chance to do much for him. I wish I could do more. In other news… this weekend was great! Long, but great. Went to the birthday barcrawl on Friday. A few folks who I was hoping to come along decided not to, but there were still a ton of people. The pics from that night are hilarious. If you want them, msg me with your email addy and I’ll give you the snapfish album. One of the best parts of the night – some random guy (not in MeetIn) came up to me just to tell me that I looked fabulous. And, no – he wasn’t hitting on me. He made a point to mention that he had a gf – he just wanted to tell me. How great is that? I think the attention-getter was my Santa hat. Instead of a white rim of fluff and ball, it’s black. And it looks damn good on me. Not only did that random dude take notice, but I noted that people in the group have now started to differentiate me from the other two Liz’s – instead of Liz #3, I’m now known as either well-dressed Liz or good-looking Liz. Not that the other two aren’t, but I like the differentiation nonetheless. Saturday, the only notable mention goes to my coworker’s festive holiday party. No drinking for me (I don’t drink 2 nights in a row), but it was still a lot of fun. Sunday I hosted my thing at Magianno’s. Memorable quote from the convo (said by Megan, btw – not me): ” Yeah, whenever I’m at home on a Saturday night and I’m like ‘damn, I’ve run out of pasties,’ I know who to call.” If you don’t get it then you obviously haven’t looked at Kevin’s new myspace pic yet. I strongly urge you to check it out. I wasn’t sure whether to be horrified or strangely turned on. Ha. Well… back to the dirge of the day. Four left to go until break. Peace out

Thanksgiving – crap on a stick June 16, 2007

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Well, kiddies – it’s that time of year again. The time of year where most families get together for a day of resentment and thinly veiled hostility, barely kept in check by self-medicated gorging on food that is bound to sit in the colon for the next three weeks. That’s right, folks. It’s Thanksgiving. Despite the somewhate negative view that I’ve just ascribed to this day of thanks, historically for me this holiday has been one of my favorites. The entirety of my extended family (on my mom’s side) rarely gets together, which is odd considering they all live within a 45 mile radius of each other. This is probably a good thing; the combination of flatulence and foul-mouthedness for extended periods of time can have unforseen consequences. Side effects of being around my uncles and their wives include an increased likelihood of: developing a distinct “trailer talk” accent,  having to choose between tea made from well water or PBR for a beverage, being witness to arguments about which chewing tobacco is better (Skoal or Southern Pride), constantly having to keep your back to a wall to avoid someone sneaking up behind you and giving you a wedgie, watching Nascar, eating some kind of unidetifiable meat on a skewer which I have dubbed, “crap on a stick,” and/or racing the ATV’s in the fields. I’m sure, by now, I’ve given you a very bad impression of how people from central Illinois are. And no – it’s not just my family. Some people are just like Britney Spears, but without the publicity. Case in point: one of my close childhood friends (not anymore, though I still hear things through the grapevine of the small town I grew up in) got married in a Salvation Army dress and tennis shoes. Her husband is a part-time dealer and a full-time fast food worker. I have no doubt that her kids eat ketchup and crackers for lunch on occasion. On the flipside, I’ve been able to break away and, I must say, I am pretty damn awesome. Sure, my accent comes out when I’ve had a little too much to drink, but at least I don’t like country music. Sure, I may not have a Master’s (yet), but I’m only the 2nd person in my family to get a college degree. But I digress. This isn’t about me; it’s about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a special time. My mother gets to catch up on all the family gossip and spread some of her own, usually involving me. This is especially true for this year’s fesitivities since I will be the only one not in attendance. Thank God I haven’t given her my blog. My brother gets to bask in the glory of his recent hulking growth spurt, and try to beat up my uncles. It will eventually end with him receiving an atomic wedgie and spending the majority of the evening trying to adjust his balls. My dad will eat a pie and fall asleep on the couch, snoring through the glory of Nascar. If I were there, I’d be exiled to reading a book on the couch after making everyone feel dumb for losing Trivial Pursuit and/or Scrabble in record time. I am kind of a braggart when it comes to winning – my bad. This year, however, will be different. This will be the first time that I’m not going to be there to bask in the anticlimactic aura. Instead, I’m having dinner with 21 of my closest (and not so close) friends. I’m making a casserole. If I get a little homesick though (which hasn’t happened in 4 months and counting), I know I can always grab a PBR and ask someone to serenade me with Randy Travis. Maybe we could even break out the boots and do some line dancing. Yeah…  Let’s all cross our fingers that doesn’t happen. Happy Turkey Day

There’s this thing – what’s it called? Oh yeah…life June 16, 2007

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Ok, kiddies – I realize I haven’t been too good about keeping up with the posting. My apologies. I’ve been a bit preoccupied with… what do you call it? oh yeah… life. No offense. - My mom emailed me this week. She’s feeling left out since I forgot my weekly call. I don’t think she’s gotten over worrying about me getting stabbed now that I live in DC. She wanted to know if I had a blog or something where she could keep more up-to-date. After consulting with a few peeps and briefly considering the ramipercussions, I’ve decided that sometimes it’s just better to not to give up the ol’ myspace URL quite yet. I just don’t think she would get it. Case in point: I told her one time about the Halloween party I had gone to recently and she asked if we had played any party games. I asked what she meant, and instead of referencing drinking games or card games or something with some indication that I’m no longer 5 years-old, she asked if we had bobbed for apples or played pin the tail on the donkey. I laughed so hard that I almost had to sit down. But seriously, wouldn’t that be a bad idea? - I dress nicely for work. In fact, I look damn good in a non-slutty kind of way for a government employee most days. It’s nice when people notice the effort and comment. It happens sometimes and I appreciate it. However, it’s a totally different thing when I walk to the bus stop in the morning and a truck-cab full of Mexicans start honking and making lewd gestures. This is what happened this past Wednesday. It was most definitely not appreciated, considering that it was barely 7 in the morning and I almost spilled my morning caffiene from the surprise of the abrupt noise. What do people expect when they do this? Do they think that I’m going to hop in with them and have a wild tag-team orgy? Perhaps they confused me with the roomie. I dunno, but that was the second morning drive-by in the past couple weeks I’ve been privy to and it’s kind of discomfitting (yet slightly cool too – I never thought I’d be one of those chicks that guys honk at). - I find out tomorrow at work if my yearly expenditure estimates for this coming fiscal year got approved. If so, it means I can start my Master’s work in the fall, subsidized by your tax dollars of course. If not, it means I’ll be taking out massive student loans and probably postponing until Spring, ’08. Actually, the Liz Lawrence Fund for Excellence is still accepting donations. Contribute today and make the Liz of tomorrow a better, more educated person. I live in DC, damnit – enough money gets funneled in contributions to undeserving people on a regular basis; I should be able to skim off some for myself. - And on one last note, some weekends are better than others. It’s going to be tough to top this past one. There may or may not be random pics of my cleavage floating around somewhere. There may or may not have been some theater-hopping makeout sessions. There may or may not have been someone getting their balls handed to them at mini golf. There most definitely were some memorable moments. ‘Nuf said.

Don’t feel bad…I’m laughing too June 16, 2007

Saturday, October 07, 2006

I know it’s been awhile since my last post, folks. Sorry. I usually save this kind of thing for work. Lately, though, I’ve actually had a lot of work to do at work. Go figure. But, rest assured. I would never disappoint my loyal fanbase – all 5 of you. Ha. So, sit down and feel free to point and laugh the next time you see me. This one’s a doozy. I think I mentioned in my last post that I was going to attempt the speed dating thing. One of my friends told me about it and, after careful consultation with some of my peeps (one of whom laughed and said, “Only you, Liz. Only you.” ), I decided to give it a shot. If nothing else, it makes for good blogging fodder. So I singed up for this thing. It was held last Tuesday at the Front Page, which – coincidentally – happens to be right in the same building as my office. This convenience was one of the main selling points. However, what I failed to realize was that the very night that this thing was supposed to be going on was the same night that the NSF was hosting its monthly lecture, Cafe Scientifique. This thing is a public lecture held at the Front Page every first Tuesday of the month; most who attend are actually NSF faculty. So, while I’m sitting inside working my magic on the men – right next to the big event sign, no less – a bunch of my coworkers are sitting, watching me through the window during the lecture as they conspicuously try not to point and laugh. About halfway through, a couple of them came in to wave and smirk. Lovely. Regardless, it was still a good experience. Not one that I think I’ll ever be repeating, but an interesting night nonetheless. The group of chicks there were all pretty cool and well put-together. The guys though were a different story altogether. It was pretty obvious why some of them had to resort to speed dating to meet women. I heard one of the lamest answers to my “what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done” question. The guy was all like, “Well… I’m not much of a crazy person but I once ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the jelly.” So I’m sitting there thinking… ummm… yeah… so this dude just ate a peanut butter sandwich. It took me a minute to realize he was trying to be funny. As my old roomie and good friend, Chris, would say, “Unfunny joke. No, really. Stop. It’s not funny.” I didn’t say it, but I sure as hell was thinking it. I didn’t want to be mean though. It was already sad enough of an attempt without rubbing salt in the wound. Anyway, so the evening ended without meeting anyone of significance. I honestly cannot see myself going out with any of the guys I met that night. Definitely an experience for the future best-selling autobiography. Since we’re on the subject of meeting men… I heard one of the best bad pickup lines ever not too long ago. Actually, it may just have moved up to being a good pickup line since it’s a spinoff of one I’ve heard before. Here goes: So I’m sitting at a bar-like area with some pals and my back is turned to this dude. I turn around slightly to get another drink and while I’m waiting for the bartender’s attention, the guy asks, “Why do you hate me?” Now, normally, an unsuspecting chick would then say, “What? I don’t hate you. Why would you say that?” And then the guy would go, “Because you’ve been ignoring me all this time when all I wanted to do was talk to you and maybe buy you a drink.” Well, that’s how it went the first time a heard it back in the day, and it actually worked alright.  This time though I just wasn’t in the mood and so I replied, “Oh, it’s not me that hates you. It’s my friend here. She thinks guys who wear pink shirts are pricks.” He didn’t quite know how to respond, so it kind of nulled the attempt. I must admit though, the whole pink shirt thing… a little overdone. Oh… and speaking of things that just are not a good idea. Molester Mike has convinced me to hang out with him outside of the kickball gang. He’s actually a really cool guy when he’s sober, but his antics from the last time I saw him (which I blogged about not too long ago) kinda skeeved me out. It’ll be interesting to see how he is away from the team. I think he’s coming to this comedy show thing on Wednesday with me. My friend Emily said she might go, so it’ll be a good thing to have someone there to get my back if things don’t go so smoothly. Fun times. Anyway… that’s it for the evening. My mother’s in town this weekend, so rest assured there will be plenty more coming along shortly. I’ve been trying really hard to be pleasant with her, but she makes it so damned difficult sometimes. Makes me wanna smack a bitch. That’s all I’m going to say for now. More to come, folks. Til then, peace out. And don’t forget to make your donations to the Liz Lawrence Fund for Excellence. The fiscal year has ended, but your donation is tax deductible if made before Dec 31. I;m not kidding on this one. I will totally take your money if you want to give me some. Cool Liz can’t be so cool if she doesn’t have the cash.  Anyways, peace out, my peeps.

You mom is gay June 16, 2007

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

According  to meatspin . com  I am totally gay. Check it out – maybe we can be gay together. Not really a good measure of overall gayness though, given the fact that I’m a chick. I think you’d have to be pretty creative to figure out a way to incorporate lesbians into that scenario. And if you haven’t gone to the site by now to figure out what I’m talking about, then you’re a better person than me. I did it out of pure curiosity, fully knowing what I was in store for. Horrible idea. Speaking of horrible ideas, I’m debating whether or not I should go home for Thanksgiving. If I don’t, it would be the first time ever that I’d be missing out on the total package of disfuntionality that usually goes on when my extended family gets together. I remember that one time my uncles shot pigeons and tried to pass them off as baby turkeys one year. I ended up passing on that particular delicacy. Then there was the time I got tickled so much that I peed my pants (I was 10, ok? not like it was last year, at least)and spent the rest of the evening suliking in the bedroom at my grandmother’s house. And each and every year I always get to deal with the unpleasant aftereffects of my grandmother’s cooking. Believe me, there’s a reason there are 5 bottles of air freshener in the living room alone. Last year was decent though – we catered the whole thing and held it at my folks’ place. That was actually really nice. I dunno… It’s not that it’s not always an interesting time (to say the least). It’s just that I’d rather not spend more than $300 for a 3-day trip, especially since I’m definitely going home less than a month later for my birthday/xmas celebration. At the same time though, I don’t want to end up sitting in my apartment alone eating one of the oh-so-delish lean cuisine meals that I’ve been feasting on as of late. That would be truly depressing. Something else that’s depressing – only 54 views on myspace? What is that all about? I am awesome – I should have at least 100x that by now. This thing’s been up for a good two weeks, maybe longer. Is there some secret to it. I’d rather be facebooking, but I’m willing to try new things as long they work. This is frustrating. If you are reading this and you know random people who want to know an awesome person like me (and who wouldn’t?) let me know so I can add them and not look like a complete loser in spite of my awesomeness.