Point and laugh June 16, 2007

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I sometimes have been heard to say that I was a genius child who turned into an average adult. I don’t know if that’s as true as I used to think it was. People nowadays constantly astound me with their stupidity. For lack of better writing material at the moment, and because I’m tired of writing sophomoric essays for my brother, I will regale you with some tales from the distant and not-so-distant past. I was at a grocery store with a friend once and we overheard a lady make a remark to her son who had thrown some frozen french fries in the cart. The mother exclaimed, “Why you put those in there? We ain’t gettin’ no frozen food. You think I want radiation poisenin’ from all those micro-waves?” Clearly she lived in the amish ghetto. I was watching a movie this weekend. In the movie a man had been shot and his psychiatrist, who he had kidnapped, was trying to stop for medical supplies. He didn’t want to let her out, for fear she would try to escape. She said, “You’ve been shot. I can help fix you. I’m a doctor.” Bravo to the screenwriter who came up with that line. Way to put that DeVry education to work. Listening to a local radio show the other morning, there was talk about legal issues involving children. One listener called in a gave a lengthy speech about the subject. When asked by the radio personality whether he was a lawyer or not, the dude replied, “Nah, man. I saw that shit on Law & Order the other night.” I wonder if his name was Alberto Gonzales. The President, until just recently, denied the human impact on climate change. ‘Nuf said. This one time, at a Nature Day Camp I taught at, one of the little girls came up to me and asked if I knew her brother. I replied that I didn’t and then she said, “He got AIDS.” I was a little shocked and I told her that wasn’t something appropriate to talk about at camp. She went on to elaborate, “You don’t know. Just listen. My brother was outside playing in the driveway yesterday and he stepped on a nail and now he got AIDS.” No child may be getting left behind anymore, but that girl most definitely fell off the bus long ago. Sad, but true.   Last one. Not really a story, but more of a saying to keep in mind. “Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.”

Chuck Norris and Little Orphan Annie – Wait, where was I going with this? June 16, 2007

Sunday, September 10, 2006  

Well, kiddies… you’re in for a shock. Liz is ready for a break. That’s right. It’s been one hell of a week and today I really don’t forsee myself leaving my apartment again (since I’ve been to the gym and back already) until at least tomorrow. You know, I love the fact that there’s always something to do around here, but going nonstop 24/7 is starting to wear me down a lil. Allow me to elaborate…

At work the kid gloves came off this week. They’ve started to pile it on and I’ve taken it in stride. No big deal. It’s nice to have something to do besides myspace all day. Probably a good thing since I’ve been freaking out and scrambling to minimize the window everytime my boss stops by my cube. I should strategically place some mirrors around my desk so that I’ll be able to see when someone’s coming. That, and maybe figure out a way to stuff myself into the huge file locker right by my desk so that by the time they get there, I’ll have disappeared. Just a thought…

After work pretty much every day this week I’ve been hittin’ up the gym. It’s been good to get back in the habit, but it sucks to not get home til after 7 every night. It definitely makes me feel better about myself, so it’s worth it. It’s also nice that there’s hardly ever anyone there. As much as I like to show off my sweaty cleavage, I’d rather not have a lot of ugly old men ogling me when I’m just trying to get my fat ass to be not so fat. Oh… and btw – 10 min. mile and under, depending on my ambition that day. I know it doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment, but I’m proud of myself considering how much I hate running. So yeah… by the time my mom comes to visit, maybe I’ll have dropped enough to convince her to take me shopping for some new(er) clothes.

The weekend, as always, was awesome. Thursday after kickball I was in desperate need for a drink. Kelly’s, as always, was a good time. I got hit on, which is always a boost to the ego. I also made a new friend (not the same person), which is definitely something I need more of around here. Even better, I didn’t have to pay for any drinks. This is why I love my life. Made it home in decent time, despite my lack of being able to find a ride and being too cheap to grab a taxi. One of my kickball buddies was kind enough to ride part-way with me on my way home. Friday at work was horrendous, but at least I got a lot accomplished. I was wiped out by the time I got home after the gym. Chilled and went to the movies – ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ is a great one btw – made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes. Saturday I went biking and shopping. Bought my new camera. It’s pretty much awesome… kinda like me. Haven’t played around with it too much yet, but I will soon. Went to this place in Dupont Circle called Buffalo Billiards on Saturday night. That place was pretty cool. Laid back enough to not be fighting your way to the bar, but still a decent crowd. I played tabletop shuffleboard. I rock. We won, mostly because of my awesomeness. I think I get more skilled the more I drink. Either that or everybody else just gets much worse and I hold down the fort. It was a good time.

And in the tradition of every weekend that I go out on the town, I have a quote to share. A lil background info, first… We were at the bar, waiting to get served, and across the bar there’s this chick making out with what appears to be a badly dressed, rotund, and all around odd-looking man. The chick pulls away and, lo and behold, it’s another chick – a very dykish chick, but still… Anyway, so one of my friends turns to me and says, “Do you think it makes her less of a real lesbian since that chick looks like a dude?” My other friend turns and replies, ” That chick? She looks like more of a man than I do. She makes Chuck Norris look like Little Orphan Annie.” I reply, ” You know, Little Orphan Annie had a hard-knock life because of Chuck Norris.”  I’m not quite sure where the line of reasoning was going with that one, but I blame the alcohol. It was hilarious at the time though. Hilarious.

And that concludes this week’s chronicles in the life of Liz. A few memorable moments to recap:

1) Liz can cook – who knew? Chicken Tetrazzini is one of my many masterpieces

2) Liz’s roomie kinda sucks… Life can’t all be sparkles and sunshine.

3) Liz hand hurts from falling down a hill while biking. Did someone say ‘dumbass’? At least I’m not a guy – I’m sure it would make certain activities less enjoyable.

4) Liz’s pal, Arthur, is coming all the way from Ohio to visit Thurs-Sun. Good times will be had. Expect pictures. Lots of hilarious pictures.

Peace out, my peeps